


To Catch Two Thieves

by DrunkGerbil



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Heist, Humor, M/M, Multi, Prostitute Richard, Prostitution, jewelry theft, top gear level chaos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:35:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26441317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrunkGerbil/pseuds/DrunkGerbil
Summary: James and Jeremy, con men extraordinaire, plan the heist of the century! Or, well, the heist of the month, maybe. All they need are the helping hands of one Richard Hammond. And for the heist, his inside info, of course.
Relationships: Jeremy Clarkson/James May, Jeremy Clarkson/Richard Hammond/James May, Richard Hammond/Original Character(s)
Kudos: 8





	To Catch Two Thieves

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ymas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ymas/gifts).



> This is a gift for [ Ymas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ymas/pseuds/Ymas) and an exchange for her wonderful Soulmate AU [ Of Tattoos, Scars, and Faulty Science ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26440312/chapters/64418176)
> 
> It was written for the CHMS 2020 AU-Challenge on DreamWidth

It was Jeremy’s idea, surprisingly. Normally James came up with the plan, figured out how they get in and out with the least amount of hassle. But this time, as they’d been scouting the target, sitting in an inconspicuous Vectra that had made Jeremy moan for days, it was Jeremy who had pointed out the good looking young gentleman who was let into the jewellery by the salesman himself past closing hours. 

“This is the third time this week that he’s come by,” he said through a mouthful of chips.

“A regular after closing?” James asked. 

“No,” Jeremy said, giving him a look. “A hooker.”

“Oh,” James answered eloquently. Jeremy laughed at him.

“I bet he knows his way around the backroom of the shop. Knows where the cameras are. Or maybe not, maybe the jeweller turns them off for a little privacy.” The statement was accompanied by an eyebrow waggle that made James frown. 

“What are you implying? We just ask the nice prostitute if he’d like to tell us all about it?”

“No, of course not. We hire the nice prostitute to tell us all about it.”

“Are you out of your mind?!”

“This is a brilliant idea! Honestly, what could possibly go wrong?”

~

As it turned out, many things. 

~

The nice prostitute was named Richard, and Jeremy had invited him up into their hotel room without telling James about it first. So when James swiped the keycard and entered, he was somewhat startled to find Jeremy and the man he had only seen from a distance before, snogging and halfway undressed. The man had given James a once over and then turned back to Jeremy and said, “A threesome costs extra.”

To James' consternation, Jeremy actually grabbed for his wallet and asked, “How much?” without any hesitation whatsoever. 

“Jeremy!” James admonished, not sure where to look. He settled for the face of the smirking man. Sadly, he was very good looking, and James blushed before looking at the true culprit, who was still rummaging for cash. 

“James, meet Richard. Richard, James.”

Richard gave an awkward little wave before he told Jeremy, "Usually I'd say double, but you two are cute, so how about…"

"We are not having a threesome!" James cut him off. 

"Oh, so you want to watch?" Richard asked. Before James could sputter out a reply, Jeremy had finished gathering his money and waved a wad of cash around. 

"Come on, James. He thinks we're cute! Here is double, darling." 

Richard took it and made it disappear into thin air. At least, it seemed that way to James, who couldn’t help being impressed. It had been ages since pickpockets and the likes could pull that trick on him. It also told him that Richard was to be watched out for. That thought got sucked down the drain, though, when suddenly arms settled around him and a warm, short, half naked body pressed against his front. 

“Hullo James,” Richard purred. “It’s so good to meet you. Care to join the party?”

~

James did, in fact, join the party. He didn't know how or why, but in the end he was lying in the middle between Jeremy and Richard, slowly returning from that beautiful place one goes when they got their brains fucked out. He became more aware when the warm body plastered to his right unstuck itself and sat up. Richard smiled down at him. 

“Time’s up, boys. Have a good cuddle for me, yes?” 

He got up and walked over to where his pants had landed earlier. Completely unashamed in his nakedness, he bent over to retrieve them. 

“Oh god,” Jeremy groaned from James’ left. Amongst the living again, too, then. They both watched Richard do an inelegant little dance to get into first pants, then socks, then a pair of jeans that seemed too tight but made his arse look brilliant. 

“In a hurry?” James asked carefully once he got his head out of the gutter. Richard was already doing up his belt. 

“Yeah, sorry, I gotta run. I have to clean up before another businessmeeting later. You two made me build up quite the sweat,” he answered with a wink. When his head disappeared in his way too tight shirt, James elbowed Jeremy. And a second time, when Jeremy did not come out of his stupor quickly enough for his liking. 

“Ow, what? Oh. Oh! I mean, yes, about that.”

“Hm?” Richard emerged from the other side of the shirt. His hair was a wild mess, not helped by his hands running through it in a futile attempt to tame it. 

“Your… rendezvous,” Jeremy continued haltingly. “That’s actually what we wanted to talk to you about. When I invited you up here.” 

They received a confused frown in return. 

And so they started explaining. 

~

Explaining did not go so well.

~

“Let me get this straight,” Richard said in a heated tone. “You want me to betray one of my best clients for two mentals I’ve only just met, who plan some kind of heist that will probably land everyone involved in prison?”

Jeremy opened his mouth to reply, but all that came out was an indignant, “Ow!” as James stepped on his foot. This was not the time for one of his speeches about his frightening genius. 

Instead, James simply said, “Consider all the money, though.”

~

Richard considered.

~

It was a little scary how much Richard knew about Martin, the jeweller: 

The owner of the shop had Martin and his wife Claudia run it for him. Claudia did the morning shift, and obviously didn’t know about her husband’s closing habits. They had three kids. Jody was ten, Melvin was seven, and Karl was three. Their pictures were in the backroom, where Martin liked Richard to visit him two to three times a week. Martin’s wife complained sometimes that he did so much overtime, because that’s what he told her he did. 

Martin felt the owner (owner of several jewellery shops in the city, rich, old) didn’t treat him fairly. He didn’t pay overtime, for example. Not that Richard understood what Martin wanted to be paid overtime for, anyway. 

Martin had a trust fund from his grandfather that Claudia didn’t know about, and that had paid Richard’s fee and other luxuries in Martin’s life. Like cocaine. The fund was running low, but Martin had assured Richard there was nothing to worry about, he would figure out another income before he was out of cash. Richard didn’t care either way, because if he wasn’t getting paid any longer, he would find himself another regular instead. He hadn’t told Martin that, of course. Martin thought he and Richard shared a special bond. 

Martin was also scared of his wife. She had quite the temper, apparently. Richard hoped to never find out for himself.

“And he’s just, what, told you all that?” Jeremy asked at one point, when Richard had to take a sip of wine to wet his throat. He shrugged in answer, and said, “People like telling me stuff.”

Jeremy looked dubious, but James could believe it. He noticed it in himself. Telling Richard things was easy. He had big, trusting eyes and a charming smile, and his boyish face and act made him appear a lot more naive than James suspected he was. He seemed like he wanted to listen, and that was all most people needed to want to talk.  
James took Jeremy aside to tell him to watch out. Jeremy smirked and muttered, “You, too, professor May. If you lecture him any more about security systems, he’s going to pull this heist on his own.” 

James blushed, and returned to the drawing board for their little misadventure with a mumbled apology. Richard, drunk and unaware of their whispered conversation, continued to happily chatter away. 

~

It was hard to convince Richard that they couldn’t pay him in advance, since they did not have enough money to pay the ten percent that they had agreed on. (Richard drove a hard bargain. It involved taking his clothes off. James was infinitely grateful that Jeremy did most of the negotiating, because despite the fact that it was Jeremy’s horny idea in the first place, he seemed to lose less brain cells than James when confronted with a naked Richard. It was a little distressing.) 

Finally, they agreed on some upfront cash as insurance should the job go awry and Richard had to find a replacement for Martin. Before they all shook hands on it, James asked, “Are you really sure you can pull this off? No mixed feelings?”

Richard seemed confused. “Yes, I’m alright. Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“I mean, you’ve... worked… with Martin for quite some time. No conflict of interests, maybe?”

Richard snorted. “Customer loyalty is not supposed to go both ways in my line of work.” 

James couldn’t argue with that. 

~

The plan was simple, in the end. 

Every evening Martin did a final check of the saleroom and the locked doors, and shut the heavy rolling shutters in front of the windows and the shop entrance. When Richard was invited, Martin simply turned the alarms to the backdoor and the cameras off. This way, there was no evidence of Richard entering the building. Martin then got coked up and had himself a little party. 

Richard walked into the alley behind the shop and knocked on the door, like he did two to three times a week. The door was opened immediately, and he was greeted by Martin. 

Martin pulled him inside and pushed a glass of champagne into his hand. Not unusual. As he was busy boasting about vintage and price, he didn’t notice the pebble that was stuck in the threshold, or that the door didn’t click shut. 

Around the corner, Jeremy and James sat in their new old car, a Toyota Corolla, and waited. 

“You think the little hamster is going to do his part?” Jeremy asked after a while.

“I am confident in his ability to be distracting, at the very least,” James said with a small smirk. 

“That he is. Do you think he’d be willing to join us after the job? For a celebration?” Jeremy asked hopefully. James pondered for a moment. 

“I think if he did, he would get us drunk and in a sex coma, and then rob us blind.” 

Jeremy sighed. “Shame,” he mumbled. Then he turned a grin on James. 

“I guess I’ll have to get you drunk and in a sex coma on my own, then.” 

“Let’s get this job done without getting arrested, first,” James cautioned, but couldn’t keep the hand off Jeremy’s thigh. He squeezed, and they smiled at each other, loving and mischievous and ready for another mad adventure. 

Then the phone chirped, and they were back in business mode. The message was from Richard, and contained nothing but a :), the sign they had agreed on beforehand. Martin was drunk and sufficiently distracted.  
Dressed in dark clothes, woollen caps covering their hair and gloves their hands, they darted into the alley way, each with two empty duffel bags slung over their shoulders. Even though they were both big men, they could be sneaky. Since Richard had informed them about the squeaking of the back door’s hinges, Jeremy applied oil to them before James carefully pulled it open. After they had entered, he guided the door back so it wouldn’t land too hard, dislodge the stone and fall into the lock.  
They found themselves in a dark hallway. Two doors were in the wall to their right, and one at the far end. That one led to the showroom and was secured with a lock and one of the alarms. The device controlling it was right next to the door. According to Richard, the first door to the right was the toilet, the second one led to the back room. It was currently half open, and a square of warm, muted light fell into the hallway. Music wafted out, dancy, but not too loud. James and Jeremy approached the door cautiously, inching forward to peer in without being spotted. They shouldn’t have worried. Richard had the situation completely under control. 

Martin sat in a big, leather office chair with his back to the door. All they saw of him was the top of his head, blonde hair mussed from exploring fingers. What they did see, however, illuminated by the computer’s lock screen and a homely table lamp, was a shirtless Richard, gyrating sensually to the beat of the music. Fluid motions, rolling hips, wandering hands, a smile that made you feel like predator and prey alike. James came to a stop, staring dumbly. Richard, without ever stuttering in his lap dance routine, looked up and made eye contact. He held James’ gaze only for a second and winked before focusing his attention back on Martin, whose hands were busy snaking up and down his toned torso. It was enough to make James blush furiously. Thankfully, he was shuffled along by Jeremy. The knowing smirk was very annoying, but helped him focus back on the job. 

The lock to the showroom was cracked easily enough. Bypassing the security alarm was another matter entirely. But thankfully, James was a pianist. He was an artist. A master who could play keys and circuitry alike. With elegant strokes of long, precise fingers, applying just the right amount of pressure, he made the world shape to his own inner rhythm. A different kind of music than Richard’s, but the same kind of fluid mastery.  
He had the device disconnected and turned off in no time, and the door to the showroom clicked open. It produced a slight squeak, which was drowned out by an obscene moan from the other room. 

And then they were in the show room. 

Only a few scattered rays of street light filtered in through the gaps in the shutters. Jeremy clicked on the little forehead lamp that made him look like a tool, and whispered, “Jackpot.” 

“Don’t be so cliché,” James hissed back, and clicked his own light on. If all went according to plan, nobody would see them anyway. 

It was true, though. They stood in front of a very nice payday, the light from their lamps reflecting on precious stones and metals alike. Even with Richard’s ten percent out, they could wine and dine like nobles for a long while.  
Quickly, but carefully, they started picking the locks to the display cases and lifting the jewellery out. In his head, James tallied up the values of each piece, how much would go to the fence, how much to Richard, and what would go into their own coffers. He was mentally rubbing his hands.

Then, suddenly, the shrill scream of, “MARTIN?!” made them freeze. The music cut off. 

“I KNEW IT!” a woman’s voice continued, high pitched and furious. “I knew you were having an affair! Nobody does this much unpaid, unnecessary overtime in a job they hate! Where is she?! Where is that slut?! It’s Veronica, isn’t it. I knew she was-”

There was a sudden, heavy pause. Jeremy and James were holding their breaths. Then Claudia, and who else could it be, spoke again.

“You’re a bloke.”

She sounded confused. 

“Yes…” Richard’s voice was a little strangled. “I, uhm. I’m a technician. I was sent by tech support, because there is a problem. With the intruder alarm.” 

“Oh yeah? What company do you work for then?” Claudia asked suspiciously. Richard answered quickly, “Securytek Systems.” 

“Huh, he did actually listen when I was talking,” James mumbled, but quickly shut up again when he heard Claudia continue her interrogation. 

“Why are you not wearing work clothes?” 

“Because I was already off, but the night shift is bogged down, so I did my supervisor a favor.” 

“You’re half naked!” she shrieked. The pause that followed was a lot longer than before. 

“It’s… really warm in here,” Richard finally stuttered. James had to bite his tongue not to start laughing. Jeremy wheezed next to him, a hand clamped over his mouth. This was bad. Gloriously bad.  
They had to get the poor sod out of there before he ran out of excuses, James concluded. Then he let his eyes trail over the glittering treasures all around him. His bag, only half filled, was not nearly as heavy as he knew it should be. Jeremy’s couldn't fare better. 

Maybe only the two of them just had to get out of here before Richard ran out of excuses. That would also work. This little disagreement didn't really concern James and Jeremy, anyway.  
Therefore, he whispered, “Jeremy.” 

“What?”

“No honor amongst thieves?” 

He didn’t have to see Jeremy’s face to know it was split by the widest grin imaginable. Jeremy loved him the most, he had noticed early in their relationship, when he was being devious. It was one reason why they made a living out of being criminals. It kept things fresh. 

All his beautiful plans of betrayal fell short, though, when Richard spoke again in a small voice that could barely be heard through the door. 

“Could you please not point that gun at me?” 

James’ jaw dropped. 

“Oh shit,” Jeremy hissed in the dark. “Shit shit shit shit shit.” 

Apparently, this was the moment Martin finally decided to join the conversation, because he started laughing and slurred, loudly, “Of course he’s half naked. He’s a whore.” 

Time stood still. 

Then:

“YOU BASTARD! YOU DIRTY, LYING BASTARD!” Claudia shrieked, glass shattered, Richard yelped and Martin started cussing. James concluded that Claudia had thrown a glass, but hadn’t shot anyone yet. 

“James,” Jeremy whispered, nervously shifting from foot to foot. “We can’t let him get shot.”

“I know! Let me think,” James answered, and made for the door. When there was another crash and Claudia’s rent about how Martin had stolen her youth got louder and louder, the squeak of the hinges went unnoticed. He opened the door just wide enough to get a look out into the hallway. Claudia’s shadow could be seen moving erratically over the wall opposite the backroom. She was effectively trapping both them and Richard. Theoretically, they could try and sneak past the back room. If Claudia didn’t have her back completely turned to the door and stood at an angle, which was entirely possible if the way her shadow moved in and out of the square of light was anything to go by, she would see them easily. Jeremy tapped his shoulder, but he ignored him, frantically wrecking his brain to come up with a distraction. Something to lure her away, so Richard could run. 

"James."

Preferably before gruesome murder was comitted.

“James!” 

“What?!”

Jeremy stood behind him, the shop’s fire extinguisher in his arms. He grinned. 

“No,” James said, but Jeremy just pushed past him, marched down the hallway, and entered the back room, proudly brandishing the fire extinguisher. 

“WHO THE FU-!” Claudia’s enraged yell broke off in a high pitched shriek as Jeremy pulled the lever. All hell broke loose. 

James sprinted after Jeremy and came to an abrupt stop when he saw the carnage. 

Jeremy still shot foam, but Claudia, a sturdy, blonde woman with all of hell’s fury written in her face, held onto the hose, struggling to rip the whole thing out of Jeremy’s grasp. Apparently having forgotten how the gun in her other hand worked, she tried to hit him with it. While they were grappling for control, the foam went everywhere, making the floor slippery as ice. Martin, who was completely unbothered by everything and obviously still as high as a kite, lay in the mess and made snow angels while laughing maniacally. Looking around frantically, James finally spotted Richard, sans shirt but thankfully still wearing trousers, pressed against the wall to the left, wide eyed, and inching towards the door. He was also covered in blood. It was a grizzly sight, and James needed to take a few deep breaths to calm himself down. The wound was on Richard’s forehead, and seemed relatively small. Face wounds. Bleeding. Not serious, just scary looking. James decided to worry about it when they were all in safety. 

“Help me, you bastards, she’s possessed!” Jeremy yelled above the racket of Claudia’s screeching. 

“I’m not getting near that mad woman again,” Richard said. 

“How about everyone calm down?” James called, mainly at Claudia. “Please?”

Another voice joined the cacophony.

“What the fuck?” somebody said behind James. Oh no, it’s the rozzers, he thought, even before he turned to see two very bewildered police men. The racket must have alerted the neighbors. 

Several things happened at once. 

James yelled, “Catch!” and tossed his duffel bag of loot at the first policeman in his way, who caught it reflexively. Jeremy let go of the fire extinguisher, which meant that Claudia, holding on to it with her entire weight, slipped and fell over. A shot rang out. The lamp exploded and plunged the room into darkness. Only the locked computer screen was still giving sparse light.

“Run! Fucking run!” Jeremy hollered above the confused screaming, and barreled into the second policeman, who bounced against the wall and landed in the foam, too. James saw his partner’s genius for what it was, and followed, but not before grabbing a hold of Richard’s hand and pulling him along.  
They burst out of the back door, not heeding the shouts of “FREEZE!” and ran for the car on the other side of the street.  
Fumbling keys out of one’s pocket while sprinting at top speed was not an easy feat by any means, especially while one’s other hand was keeping a deathgrip on someone else’s, but James managed. 

“Get in!” he ordered as he unceremoniously shoved Richard into the back before clambering into the driver seat himself. 

“Oh my god, why are you driving?!” Jeremy moaned when he suddenly appeared at James’ window, and ran around the front of the car to dive into the passenger side. 

“Because I had the keys, you oaf, and anyway, I am perfectly capable of driving a getaway vehicle.”

“Stop lecturing me and drive, then!” Jeremy shouted frantically, and James floored it. 

~

After changing cars and leaving the city behind, they checked into a motel. Nothing special, but it was clean and, most importantly, inconspicuous. Jeremy did the check-in, because Richard was covered in blood, and James had elected to stay with him in the car and press a spare shirt to the still seeping wound.  
Once in the room, James had immediately started cleaning and bandaging the cuts, which were sustained when Claudia threw glasses and a bottle around the room in her righteous anger. Jeremy hovered above them, badly acting like he wasn’t worried. 

“There,” James finally murmured. “All done. You don’t even need stitches, I think.”

He leaned away a little, and immediately two small hands went up to cradle his face. 

“Thank you,” Richard mumbled against his lips. 

“Hey, what about me. I risked my life to save you, too. I went against the crazy gunwoman with a fire extinguisher!” Jeremy complained, and was rewarded in equal measure. 

~

“It’s just a shame that we lost the loot,” Jeremy sighed later, drawing mindless patterns on Richard's shoulder and carding fingers through James' hair.

“Well, actually…” Richard mumbled.

“What was that?”

“When you said ‘run’ and James pulled me along, I grabbed the bag James had thrown at the policeman. It was right next to the door, you know? Right on the way out.”

…

“Where is it now?” James asked. 

“Right here.”

~

The pay day ended up being a bit smaller than anticipated, but better than feared. They ended up celebrating, after all.  
James was pleasantly surprised when he woke up around noon, hungover and sated, with Jeremy curled around his back and Richard snuggled against his front. 

~

“So,” Richard said a few days later from the back seat of their new old car. They had just visited their usual fence, and split the profit afterwards. Richard had managed to negotiate an even better price, since he had been wounded during the job. While his moaning hadn’t melted their hearts as he’d hoped, it had annoyed them enough that they promised him twenty percent if he shut up about it. Not a peep had been uttered about it since. 

James looked at him through the mirror expectantly. 

“I have a lot more free time, now that my biweekly visits to the jewellery shop are over.”

“And now that you’re a wanted criminal,” James added. Jeremy snorted, and Richard beamed at him. 

“Exactly!”

“So?” Jeremy asked with a grin. 

“So, who do we rob next?”


End file.
